On Love
by 12490
Summary: Naruto ponders about the meaning of love. Being the stupid, innocent, uke baka he is, he decides that he should ask around. After asking the whole of Konohoa population without much success, Sasuke finally shows him what it is.
1. Procrastinating With Old Ramen Dude

**On Love**

Disclaimer: yawn dun own ok?

_Chapter 1_

Naruto is doing some serious thinking.

At the ramen stand.

Alright, now we've established the setting, let's get on with the story.

Right…where were we? Oh yeah, the ramen stand. It is THE place for serious thinking. And Naruto is doing just that. He can't do it anywhere else. He needs to do it at the ramen stand. I know what you're all thinking. What the fuck? Let me explain. You see, Naruto is an unconventional boy. He hates being a stereotypical, angsty fuck-arse. Since the author shares the same sentiments (although the author does admit to reading tonnes of angsty slash sasunaru fanfictions and enjoyed them immensely), Naruto will do his angsting at the ramen stand. Yes, the author is a bloody hypocrite.

OK, I haven't explained why he does that. The author apologises for being a procrastinator. You see, a lot of characters do their angsting near a peaceful lake or by the beach with its hypnotic roaring or somewhere…..well…..basically natural and peaceful. So to cut the long story short, Naruto has decided to do it amidst the wafting scent of ramen…purely to be unstereotypical.

Anyway, this IS a sasunaru fan fiction. So I better get on with it.

And so, my dear readers, let us delve into the complex (not) mind of our main character, namely Naruto. Forgive the author's unsuccessful attempts at being the next Jane Austen. What is he thinking about? We all know about Naruto since we've probably read the manga thousands of times looking for slashy hints of a blossoming forbidden love between Naruto and Sasuke.and searched the net a million times for yaoi doujinshis. He is an obnoxiously loud boy. He likes to play pranks on people and basically just being the naughty lil uke that screams for Sasuke to punish him. So why the hell is he angsting? No, the question should be WHY THE HELL IS HE EVEN THINKING?

Yes, miracles above all miracles. Naruto thinks. At the ramen stand. I think I've stressed the point enough and so I will go forth with the story.

Naruto is thinking about the thing he has never had and has always wanted. What is this strange substance, you're probably thinking? There are many that fit the criteria – Game Boy Advanced, Eminem, Chanel no. 5, lots of slashy goodness between two hot gay guys, new Calvin Klein jeans, Brad Pitt, punching bag…Oops, the author has accidentally wandered off to read her Christmas wishlist. OK, allow me a few seconds to search around for Naruto's crave list. Ahuh! Got it! Let me see...new orange jumpsuits, Hokage title, anal sex, ten year's supply of ramen, new and improved version of Sexy no Jutsu, Sasuke, see Kakashi-sensei's face…Wait…did the author just spy the two magical words that summarise this whole fanfiction – anal sex and Sasuke? That's right, readers. Naruto wants Sasuke and anal sex.

BUT that is not what Naruto is thinking about. No. He is thinking about the deeper meaning of life…and finally came to the conclusion that it is NOT 42...but love.

Yes. Naruto thinks life is all about love. It is what he craves most and something he possibly can never have. Dear readers, please forgive the author for not handing over anal sex, Sasuke and Naruto on a silver platter. Since Naruto is ANGSTING, these wonderful things will have to be left off until later. We have to work our way towards it.

Alright. Now, our darling lil uke is angsting about the fact that he has never had love, never been loved and he desperately wants to be loved. Hence, he has decided that he will GET love. But how? To be able to get something, you must first understand it. To understand something, you must know what it is first.

So Naruto does the only possible logical thing his little mind can think of – ask around. Forgive the author for not being witty enough to come up with a funnier expression.

Well, I must say, it's getting quite late and I do need my sleep so I shall leave the Naruto angsting episode for later.

snooze

Now, we were at the part where Sasuke is shoving his cock into Naruto's tight, virgin arse, correct? No? Damn…the author must wake up immediately.

OK, to recap. Naruto is angsting about how no one loves him and so he asks around. Yes, that's right. Enough useless crap. Let's get on with the story.

"Your miso ramen is ready," a voice cuts through Naruto's first-ever thick, heavy, solidified, concrete train of thoughts. Naruto looks up to see the old ramen dude. Naruto thought that he looked quite nice and wise…since he is old and shit…and in Naruto's simple mind, all old people are wise on such sentimental, trivial matter such as love.

Naruto stares at his miso ramen.

"Mister," Naruto hesitated.

The old man turns around and sighs, looking at Naruto expectantly. "Don't tell me it's another cockroach…"

"No, sir…I……….."

"What is it, Naruto? Spit it out. I do not have all day," the old man said impatiently.

"What is love?"

The old man's hard, wrinkled face softens and he stares dreamily at the boiling water.

"It is…like…this thing…I feel…"

"Yeah?" Naruto gestures him to continue.

"Whenever Kakaship-sama takes off his mask…" the old man giggles.

"Is that all?" Naruto is disappointed. Love cannot be this simple. Otherwise, he would have figured out what it is by now.

"No. Love is when I imagine myself sucking off Kakashi-sama and then bending over the ramen bench to let him finger-fuck me…" the old man moans.

Naruto is disgusted. No, that is an understatement. Naruto is beyond disgusted and begins bashing his head on the table, but succeeds only in spilling miso ramen all over his face. Damn him and his overactive, overly vivid imagination.

"I'm leaving," Naruto wipes the ramen off his face with his orange sleeves and stalks off in a very-pissed-Sasuke-style. You know what they say about fuckbuddies looking alike after a few fucks. What? Yeah, good point. They're not together. Should have remembered that.

Anyway, Naruto stalks off. He begins processing the information he's got from the old ramen dude. So…having Kakashi-sensei bending him over and sticking his finger up his pooing hole is…love. That is absolutely wrong. Naruto is beginning to appreciate the feeling of being unloved.

Oblivious to the stares and giggles aimed in his direction from random passerbys, Naruto stalks on. Images begin to trickle into his overworked brain.

_Wrinkled face contorted in pleasure as flabby, crinkly arse cheeks are spread apart by long, pale fingers. Short stubby legs begin to spread further as the fingers enter….._

Naruto screams and bashes his head against the dirty ground. People around him begin moving away.

Arms pull him off the ground and begins slapping his face. "Snap out of it," a calm monotone.

Naruto opens his eyes and blinks.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

It's Kakashi-sensei.

_Wrinkled face contorted in pleasure as flabby, crinkly arse cheeks are spread apart by long, pale fingers. Short stubby legs begin to spread further as the fingers enter….._

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Naruto shrieks and starts bashing his head into the ground again.

Kakashi begins slapping him again and finally, after a while (more like six hours later) Naruto has finally calmed down and pushed the nasty image into the back of his mind.

"Naruto."

"Look, Kakashi-sensei, I'm sorry for thinking those things. OMG, it's seriously disgusting and it's all that old dude's fault…I'm so overly disgusted. No beyond that. Horrified to the point of…"

Kakashi cuts Naruto off again.

"Naruto, you have ramen across your eyebrows."


	2. Procrastinating With Kakashi

**On Love

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**

Disclaimer: don't own, for fuck's sake.

_Chapter Two_

Alrighteo then. Now we're at chapter two. So…let me see…has Sasuke finally fucked Naruto?

Just wait a moment. Allow me to skip to the previous chapter. Right, last sentence:

"Naruto, you have ramen across your eyebrows."

I see.

The beauty of it all.

Sasuke has illegally pounded Naruto's arse during one of Naruto's many meals. Man, they move fast.

What? It was Kakashi saying that. Wait a minute. The author is writing a yaoi sasunaru fanfiction on under-age boys sticking their cock into all holes possible, not a kakanaru fanfiction on pedophilic activities. Had the author been snorting coke while writing the fanfiction? If you'll just excuse this drug addict for a second.

Ahuh! I see. I remember now. So not sex yet. How disappointing! But do not burden yourself with such worries, my dear readers (and hopefully near-future reviewers), there will be some hot sweating and panting in this chapter.

Ok, right. Enough nonsense and necessary procrastination. Forward with the story.

Naruto blushes bright red and then to full crimson when he realizes how stereotypical he is. He curses himself for not being able to blush black, blue, or whatever colour other than the conventional red. He quickly brushes the rmane off and hopes against all hopes that this ramen incident no. 1199038 will soon be forgotten by the general public.

Being the forever idiotic optimist he is, he begins cheering himself up. And for you and only you, my dear readers, will I extract these thoughts from the alternating grey and pink mass of his soon-to-be-squished-and-turned-and-mushed-and-fried brain (my fellow perverts, do not forget the one important foreboding I have given you at the beginning of this chapter of Naruto's impending doomed submission to Sasuke's incredible sexual powess and insatiable appetite.)

Here are his silent conscious thoughts bouncing around in his skull:

_Well, at least I didn't get ramen on my trousers this time. I mean, that time was absolutely horrible no one could forget it for days. It was right on my…oh…that is way too embarrassing to say…and I remember...no must stop now. DON'T REMEMBER._

Of course being the ignorant fool in denial, he has censored ALL the important bits which are crucial to the plot (and to the perverted author's mental wellbeing). Here are his silent subconscious thought desperately trying to escape the confines of his mental prison:

_Yeah, well, last time I had ramen on my trousers and it just has to land on my cock. Everyone was looking at me. How embarrassing. Bloody Kakashi-hentai asked if ramen was the new sexual fetish going around._

Wrinkled face contorted in pleasure as flabby, crinkly arse cheeks are spread apart by long, pale fingers. Short stubby legs begin to spread further as the fingers enter…..

_AHHH!!!!!!!!!! NO! Forbidden thoughts resurfacing. Must push down again_.

_talking about it as if it's some kind of clothing with new styles every season. I am not imagaining Sakura telling Ino "Hey Ino-pig, guess what's really in this season. It's doggy style. Let's go and find Kiba." No, of course I'm not thinking that. And that fucking Sasuke-teme kept on staring at my ramen-covered crotch as if I was some kind of hot…no…some kind of idiot. I hate him. He always thinks I'm an idiot._

As you can see, Naruto's denial takes roots deeper than we have previously thought. Hence, I must force myself to reach further in…

_…looking at me…like I'm some kind of hot piece of action. Like my cock is some kind of ice-cream he wants to engulf. Like he wants to throw me to the ground and fuck my virgin hole. I remember something hot, wet and sticky down there. But OF COURSE it was just the ramen. Of course…_

There are more levels. But, my dearest, darling readers, I really cannot stand having these squidgy tissues that are major constituents of a single-digit IQ brain surrounding my arms. So I must extract. It's a pity since each level does get more graphic and perverted.

Anyway, we have gotten ourselves confused and lost in amidst the desert of Naruto's mind (ie. Dry and useless, with occasional rains of ideas...heavy, hardcore but don't really stay long. Hoping for Sasuke that Naruto's sexual performance will last slightly longer). We must get back to the real world where Kakashi is standing very patiently in front of us, reading his Icha Icha paradise volume no. 435 (if you, of course, ignore the slight twitching of a tent in his trousers).

Naruto, a bit dazed from all that probing, shoots an intense gaze at Kakashi. After a few hours, the gaze has finally infiltrated thought the thick and heavy smell of sex though to Kakashi's awareness. He immediately places his book back into his pocket and returns the intense I-want-a-deep-and-meaningful-conversation-NOW with an equally intense but unconvincing I-am-you-teacher-and-I-care look.

"I'm here for you, Naruto-kun," Kakashi sits down and motions for Naruto to sit beside him.

Why, you ask? And if you didn't ask, I'll just pretend you did and we'll argue later. Because in all the stores, all students sit down next to their mentors (with varying degrees of extremes – either ugly in mind or appearance ….or in most cases, both) whenever students are asking for deep-and-meaningful, why-do-I-exist sort of advice. And so, the author decides, for once, to stick to the tradition. Yes, even if it means sticking Kakashi and Naruto in the middle of an open road.

Naruto, being the unstereotypical boy he is, wrinkles his nose at such a conventional position. He sits down and tries to arrange himself in an unconventional never-before-seen position, failing miserably (bet Sasuke is masturbating in some tree, watching Naruto recline in a never-before-seen pose).

"How atrocious," Naruto mutters at the whole clichéd-ness of the situation. Of course, he does not know of such long, three-syllable word. He heard it from random passerbys during the ramen-on-crotch incident and somehow remembered even when he was blissfully oblivious at the time.

Naruto then decides get down fast and dirty to business. And no, my dear readers, not get down in the sense that he is getting down on four knees and suck. I have to emphasise on the sasunaru-ness of the fanfiction. The author is merely using a figurative cliché.

"So…what it is that you want to ask me," Kakashi attempts to look understanding and the author gives him a sympathetic B standing for bullshit.

"Kakashi-sensei, this is a question which can turn my life upside down, inside out. Please think about this carefully before answering."

"I see." Fidget.

"Kakashi-sensei."

"Yes?"

"What is love?"

Silence.

"Was that your ultimate question?"

"Yes."

"Naruto, my boy, it is very simple. I have encountered it in all forms ever since the ripe, young age of 12."

Naruto leans forward to catch every single word.

"I can't believe you don't know what love is yet."

Naruto widens his innocent, cerulean eyes.

"It is this." Kakashi searches around his bag and hands Naruto a…

Icha Icha Paradise volume no. 1

"This is the beginning of a wonderfully descriptive and beautifully written and artistically expressed series about..." Kakashi pauses for dramatic effect, "love."

Talk about anti-climax. Naruto is both pissed and curious at the same time. Icha Icha Paradise has always been a forbidden book, the sort of book only MEN read. He knows it's all hentai…but perhaps…there is some…love.

And hence, Naruto begins the first page and his first step into an insane, perverted world.

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The author afraids she must stop now. It is getting a lot longer than expected. The author apologises profusely for leaving her dear readers high and dry, EXPECTING some hot sex. Deep apologies. The author promises DEFINITE ACTION in the next chapter which will be coming up VERY SOON. So tune in and review.

Must also reply to my first batch of beloved reviewers.

**Bhodi Li: **LOL. I hope you were able to imagine the wrinkly, dry feel of dat old dude's skin. Fucking gross. It is NOT natural for 80-year-old men to have an erection. Lol. That line does not originate from me. I paraphrased from dis song by lazyboy. So I can't get sued for being politically incorrect. If you don't mind, I hope you will tune in again next time and review!!!!!!!!!

**Asdf: **LOL. You have just named my three favourite things – sasuke, naruto and anal sex. Of course, naruto HAS TO BE on the bottom. He's a natural sub. I just can't stand stories with naruto as top, no matter how good they are. I'm so superficial. Lol.

**Chichi167**: lol, short and brief but to the point. I'll definitely keep writing. This may be the first fanfiction I'd ever write a third chapter for,…or even FINISH if I'm lucky.

**Lady Of Gryffindor**: -faint- such an honour to have a nobility reviewing my humble story. EVEN IF you're from Gryffindor. LOL. Yes, I agree. My style is very very weird but it's the only style I can ever truly adapt to since well…it always felt weird when I wrote in formal story style.

**Black-reflected-nightmare: **LOL, I'm sorry to have shoved such a disgusting imagery into your head…I'll definitely make a mental note to place more of these imageries into this story. Lol. Don't get nightmares…even though ur nickname suggests you're a nightmare yourself. Thank you for your review. I'll definitely keep writing.

**Einld: **LOL, sorry again for putting such an image in your head. I couldn't resist making fun of dat ramen dude. And dat's what my fic is all about. TO MAKE SURE YOU NEVER LOOK AT THINGS THE SAME WAY AGAIN. And so far, you're the only reader my purpose has affected. I think it's just me…not being able to express my purpose well enough.

**Hogo-chan: **i'll take note of your advice lol "skip ahead to the good parts". If you have read this second chapter, you're probably disappointed I left you high and dry. But it's getting way too long. BUT I'll make sure it's definitely in the third chapter. Tune in for the next episode!

**FlamesEmbrace: **Steven Brust? I haven't heard of him but I'll definitely go and read one his books to improve on this type of style. But damn, I was hoping I'd be the first to use dis type of style….i'm not early enough. Damn my mother and father for fucking say….30 years too late? LOL, sorry it's a bit long-winded at the beginning. It's my habit. I love procrastinating. Without it, I can't write.

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	3. Zero Procrastination With Icha Icha Para...

**Chapter 3

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**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Otherwise I would have been fucking rich.

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_A tangled mass of limbs, heat and sex. Blonde head thrown back in ecstasy as the rough tongue invades the warm crevice. Calloused hands stroke his swollen cock as precum drips down his length. The sandpaper feel of the other's tongue strokes the tender skin of the sensitive muscle, around and around in a circular motion. Dark hair splayed over his tanned thighs. A moan elicited as nails scrape against the scalp, bring it closer and closer to…_

Naruto blushes. Something's going on down there. Maybe a snake somehow crawled into his pants without him noticing. Yeah right. This a bit too advanced. He flips back a few pages.

_Fingers coated in precum rub the sensitive flesh of his hole. The blonde spreads his legs, allowing better access. _

"_My little slut…" Hoarse voice deepens._

_Blue eyes darken with desire. Lashes lowered as he bites his lips. _

"_Sas…" his sense distorted as he feels himself…_

"Kakashi-sensei, do you read your book backwards?" Naruto squeaks.

"Of course, you must squeeze out the essence first…"

Naruto cuts Kakashi off with an impatient glare.

"You hentai, show me the beginning."

Kakashi sighs. "If you insist starting with the near future…and the boring cliché bits…"

"What future?"

"Nothing," Kakashi takes the book and flips to the middle.

"Why they hell did you just flip to the middle?"

"Because that is how you read the book..."

"From the middle?"

"Just start from the middle, work your way through to the back cover of the book and then start at the beginning of the front cover."

"Weird…"

"Accept it."

Naruto shrugs and takes the book.

"_I want you."_

Naruto glances up. "Does this book have a plot?"

Kakashi looks indignant. "Of course not. A plot ruins everything. The characters are hormonal teenage booys. They don't have time to think."

"What? But I'm not gay," a shocked tone.

"Of course you're not, you're just a clueless uke," Kakashi pats Naruto's head in consolation.

"What's a uke? And don't PROSTITUTE me!"

"It's 'patronise'."

Naruto snorts and returns to the book.

"_No…I'm not gay," _

Gee. That sounds familiar. Naruto furrows his brows in concentration.

_The blonde turns his head to evade the taller boy's butterfly kisses. _

"_Does it matter?" Pale hands reach down to squeeze his cock through the material. The blonde roughly shoves him away. _

_Blushes stain tanned cheeks._

_Dark hair frames the boy's pale face as red, crazed eyes peer though the bangs. His insistent hands push the blonde back against the tree trunk. He leans forward to capture the blonde's protesting lips as his hands wander downwards. The blonde struggles within the tight embrace. He punches the dark-haired boy in the face and attempts to push him off. The other is caught by surprise and his head is thrown back from the impact. His pale face already shows a sign of bruising. Red eyes cloud in anger and he slaps the blonde hard. The smaller boy glares at him through his blonde fringe and slaps back. Pale hands cup the tanned face in one swift motion and lips are crushed together. _

"Kakashi-sensei, this is not love. This is sexual harassment."

"Actually, Naru-chan, it's more rape."

Now, at this opportune moment, Iruka pops out of nowhere and the words "rape" and "sexual harassment" are caught in a tiny invisible filter installed in his brain. He grabs Kakashi the ear and drags him home…and of course there'll be a big lecture on "1001 reasons on why not to contaminate innocent Naruto's mind"…and of course there'll be some violent make-up sex…and you know the whole story….and that is completely another story altogether…so yeah. Back to the story.

Naruto sighs and moves to the shade under a tree.

**Finally. **

Naruto jumps. What the hell? Where did that creepy voice come from?

He looks around nervously. Is it some sort of invisible pervert following him? What if he got raped! He really doesn't want his virgin cherry to get popped…yet.

Naruto gulps and stands up to take his fighting stance.

"WHO'S THERE!" Naruto screams…at no one in particular.

**Baka. **

Blink.

Only one person is able to say that word in such an icy, condescending tone when doing a friendly greeting.

"Sasuke-teme. What the hell are you doing up in the tree?" Naruto visibly relaxes and leans against the tree trunk.

"None of your business," Sasuke jumps out of the tree and lands on the ground next to Naruto gracefully.

Naruto sighs. Major bastard. He picks up the book.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Sasuke's eyebrows are twitching in a very weird way. He's not used to being ignored, least of all by Naruto. It's usually the vice versa.

"Baka."

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

…………………………………………………………………….

Sasuke grabs the book.

"Naruto, isn't this Kakashi's hentai book?" Sasuke asks in disbelief.

Naruto blushes.

"He slams the blonde against the trunk and begins to…"

"STOP READING!"

"and begins to take…"

Naruto wrestles the book from Sasuke's grasp.

Sasuke tries to suppress a smirk.

Naruto punches him in return.

And misses.

"Has too much porn damaged your brain, baka?"

Punch…and miss.

"Never knew you were such a pervert."

Punch and kick.

"And a gay one too."

And missed…both times.

Naruto fumes.

"I'm not gay!"

"Whatever," Sasuke sits down.

"I'm NOT gay!"

"Like I said, whatever."

"I bet you are. You're in denial and you're just shoving all this shit on me."

"What if I am?"

Naruto looks stunned. He opens his mouth…and tries to speak. And tries to process all this information. And tries to understand what Sasuke just said. And tries to translate the sentence. Maybe he's speaking a foreign language.

"Are you serious?" Naruto finally speaks.

"I am a homosexual," Sasuke looks bored. He's probably the only person other than Shikamaru who can look bored while making a gay confession.

Naruto widens his eyes. Sasuke's gay. And he's confessing it to Naruto. Does that mean………

"Sasuke. You're confessing to me that you're gay."

"No shit."

"Does that mean…you're trying to tell me that…"

Sasuke blushes. "No fucking way. I don't like you."

"I was going to say that you're trying to tell me that we're friends."

"Oh."

Pause.

"I see." Sasuke stares at the ground.

Silence.

"That's gross."

Sasuke looks up. "What is?"

"You and gay."

"Are you homophobic?"

"No…but if I'm friends with a gay guy, doesn't that mean he's gonna jump me."

"Naruto…"

"Look…why don't we just…keep our distance…"

An indescribable emotion flits across Sasuke's face.

"So that's how you feel. About me."

"Sasuke, look, don't take this personally. I'm just not comfortable…"

Stroke after stroke. Line after line. Foreign marks and signs begin appearing on Sasuke's face.

Red flashes in Sasuke's eyes. The Sharingan.

The seal is broken.

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AN: SORRY, I took so long to update. School just started…and well…not much time for fanfics. So….my updates will probably be pretty slow. Please stay with me and don't get impatient. ;; Thank you so much for all those pplz who reviewed.

**Bhodi li: **LOL. I'll take da "perverse" comment as a compliment. Lol. I'm glad you enjoy my fic…my writing gets annoying sometimes, so thanks heaps for bearing with me and just…..well………ENJOY IT!

**Blai: **Hey, you didn't offend me. thanx heaps for your advice. I definitely kept it in mind when I wrote this chapter. So, is it better? Please review and tell me.

**Blackreflectednightmare: **yep yep, I'll definitely keep on generating more perverse comments and ideas to satisfy u guys. Soz I took so long to update.

**Itoushi-Youkaii: **LOLLLLLL. Your review makes me laugh da shit outta me. I dun mind being fucked by u. seriously, I dun. And thanx, I LOVE YOU TOO! If you review, I'll love you even more….lol………..was dat a bribery? Of course not.

**Lady of Gryffindor: **I kno. Naruto is at his best when he's a clueless uke! Of course…..in da cannon……he JUST had to be dis hyperactive pervert…….freak…….who can be innocent as well……….which is plain contradictory and weird……………….LOL. kiba doing it doggy style. I dunno wat got into me when I wrote dat. But still, it's………a stroke of perversity.

**Kira-sama: **yes, I'm not ashamed to say. I'm A BLOODY FUCKING PERVERT. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT. Lol.

**Galyax: **I changed the style a bit cos some readers are complaining it's a bit annoying….and lol I kinda agree. So how do u like dis chapter? U've gotta tell me what I should add in…..i mean………..there is absolutely ZERO procrastination in dis one…..sob

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